The musings of a typical average Singaporean girl, alongside with a little design here and there. Passion for music, typo/photo-graphy.
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
Monday, May 28, 2012
Fragile hands
It builds up.
Everything. Feelings, emotions, hatred, forgiveness, love. There comes a point where it overflows and it's too much to take. I won't say that it's too much for me, I have never had an example to start with.
How is it possible that in the midst of everything, it became like that. We became like that. How is it possible despite being frustrated with you, you are still always in my mind. My thoughts. My words. How is it possible that I'm feeling like that now?
I know that for a fact, I am very lucky, that you are not a typical guy. That you give in to me, that you love me. That you want to make me smile, make me happy. So why? Why? It's heart wrenching for me to send that text.
I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated. I'm not even disappointed. I just feel like a dead (wo)man walking. Tell me, what am I to do?
Everything. Feelings, emotions, hatred, forgiveness, love. There comes a point where it overflows and it's too much to take. I won't say that it's too much for me, I have never had an example to start with.
How is it possible that in the midst of everything, it became like that. We became like that. How is it possible despite being frustrated with you, you are still always in my mind. My thoughts. My words. How is it possible that I'm feeling like that now?
I know that for a fact, I am very lucky, that you are not a typical guy. That you give in to me, that you love me. That you want to make me smile, make me happy. So why? Why? It's heart wrenching for me to send that text.
I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated. I'm not even disappointed. I just feel like a dead (wo)man walking. Tell me, what am I to do?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Lover's choice
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Doubts
Lately, I found myself questioning, well, myself. I suddenly have many doubts about myself, where my life is going. Have I been a good girlfriend. Have I been a good sister. Have I been a good daughter. Have I been a good friend. Have I even been a good person, or the type of person that I want to. Maybe it's due to peer influence/pressure, as Rey did say that I'm easily influenced by others. But even if it's peer influence, it's not from them, it's from me myself. I give myself the pressure. I create thoughts that I ain't doing enough with my life. I compare to my friends, others. This is one topic that I've always been hesitant to write about in this outlet.
I feel inferior.
And it takes a lot outta me. Since young, I've always been taught to be confident of myself, that I make myself. That my choices make my path. And it had been good so far. But lately, I just feel that my choices aren't exactly 'correct' to me anymore, and I feel trapped. I know it's what I'm doing to myself. I have doubts about myself. I don't feel good. Maybe that's why I resorted to appearance to feel good. Maybe that's why I resorted to other outlets to feel good about myself. I have not been feeling good about myself for quite a long time.
Last week, I sat down with myself and thought through what were my objectives right now, and what were my life goals. My thoughts were all haywire, everything was everywhere. I do know that I have my plans.
After graduation, it was to take a gap year before going back into studies. During this gap year, I am to look for a job, earn some money and prepare for the future possibility of going overseas to study psychology. Psychology is still something I'm interested in, something I would like to have a career in. And I also know that I am not as comfortable in the field of clinical psychology as compared to criminology or working with special needs children.
My plans seem sounds nice, but what am I doing now to work towards them, or even starting them? Now writing them out, I find loopholes. What work am I to look for? Work related to things I'm interested in? Or just a job that allows me to have an income? I still have other itty bitty things that I want to do, like be an waitress or work in a pet shop. But will those really help me with experience? There's so many things I want to do, there's so many things I want to be involved in. I also want to have fun while I can. I want to push myself to the furthest that I can. I want to be able to do things that I set out for.
Receiving letters from both local universities were just.. like that. Upon opening it, and finding out they were rejection letters, were just.. meh. I expected it, but it's still slightly saddening. After getting it, I just tore it up, alongside with the application forms. I just take this as a start to the plans that I have.
Am I asking for too much in all aspects of my life? I guess right now, I have to start working out a plan for myself, start doing something for myself. First, I need a job.
I feel inferior.
And it takes a lot outta me. Since young, I've always been taught to be confident of myself, that I make myself. That my choices make my path. And it had been good so far. But lately, I just feel that my choices aren't exactly 'correct' to me anymore, and I feel trapped. I know it's what I'm doing to myself. I have doubts about myself. I don't feel good. Maybe that's why I resorted to appearance to feel good. Maybe that's why I resorted to other outlets to feel good about myself. I have not been feeling good about myself for quite a long time.
Last week, I sat down with myself and thought through what were my objectives right now, and what were my life goals. My thoughts were all haywire, everything was everywhere. I do know that I have my plans.
After graduation, it was to take a gap year before going back into studies. During this gap year, I am to look for a job, earn some money and prepare for the future possibility of going overseas to study psychology. Psychology is still something I'm interested in, something I would like to have a career in. And I also know that I am not as comfortable in the field of clinical psychology as compared to criminology or working with special needs children.
My plans seem sounds nice, but what am I doing now to work towards them, or even starting them? Now writing them out, I find loopholes. What work am I to look for? Work related to things I'm interested in? Or just a job that allows me to have an income? I still have other itty bitty things that I want to do, like be an waitress or work in a pet shop. But will those really help me with experience? There's so many things I want to do, there's so many things I want to be involved in. I also want to have fun while I can. I want to push myself to the furthest that I can. I want to be able to do things that I set out for.
Receiving letters from both local universities were just.. like that. Upon opening it, and finding out they were rejection letters, were just.. meh. I expected it, but it's still slightly saddening. After getting it, I just tore it up, alongside with the application forms. I just take this as a start to the plans that I have.
Am I asking for too much in all aspects of my life? I guess right now, I have to start working out a plan for myself, start doing something for myself. First, I need a job.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Instagram(ed)
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
My days/weeks/months in pictures. Ever since there was Instagram on Android phones. Many of the itty bitty things in these pictures.
Food outing with Aylwin, Jerald & Cheryl // Hello from Instagram! // My new Kindle Fire, from Rey // One of the darker days that I've seen in my neighbourhood // With my long time lover, Elaine // Cute tee from BKK! // Rey's lunch // Rey & his lunch // Try. // PRADA! // How I spent my Friday The 13th night // Rey at his niece's bithday party // Sarah-anne in her birthday dress! // Helium filled Hello Kitty balloon! // Sunday drive // Rey's cool new shades // ERP gantry in Toys 'R' Us! // Mos Burger in (ex) school, after I've graduated :( // My first ever Lao Ban beancurd! // Baby was framing up all the memories we've had :') // Rey's cute bedroom slippers // Rey & I waiting for Wicked! // Pigeons, lots of them! // Cakes for dessert // Changi airport in the morning // Weilin & I cool in shades // Bye bye Singapore, hello Bali! // Our villa! // It's a bright sunshiney day! // Faiz enjoying like a boss // Sanjay & I, while texting our loved ones // Had fever right after I came back to Singapore for days :( // Grumpy Tiger // Lyrics from Payphone by Maroon 5 // Homemade bread-in-a-cup! // Prada enjoying the sun // Precautions from spreading germs // My niece's birthday party // Cupcakes galore // That's Kylie and it's her birthday! // While waiting for guests to arrive // My niece and I! // Photobombed by me, teeheee // Dinz with BB people at Manhattan Fish Market // My long time lover & I (Part 2) // Blue skies while waiting for the bus // Lunch at Food For Thought! // Val & I // Val & I (Part 2) // Our rings // A reminder for me to stop buying clothes // Just my Sanuks & I // My nails for now :) // Prada & I in the house!